Whale Belly

When we least expect it, God gives us something to smile about. I think he's got quite the sense of humor really.

Here's my past two days in a string of words: hiking moss baby deer lost searching talking marriage cliffs ocean fish fire walking marsh man cave hillside sea anemone rocks vulnerable wildflowers climbing astronaut tidepools illegal piggy back ouch seashells reconciliation prayer knee-deep wet socks dome tent turkey granola peanut butter smores fire fresh caught trout daylight at midnight sleeping bag cold wake up daniel statue beauty fog banks stevie done.

After all that, the best moment transpired. Sitting by the fire and someone saw a whale breach the water! We all kept looking and a spout of water would rise every few moments. There were two boats out by the whales and we kept saying, "Man how awesome to be on that boat!"

After this, Michaelina and I spent about an hour playing keep away. She took my hat and kept it from me.  She was running away from me and ran through the water then looked up at me and said, "You..." And I said, "Now Michaelina, I did not make you go through that water." Ha amazing how a 6 year olds mind thinks.

Eventually, Steven Foreman came to pick us up in the skiffer to take us back to KBM from Long Island, which is an uninhabited island (I've never camped on an uninhabited island but it felt like LOST. Plus there are no bears on the island).  I would have waited with Stevie and Clay to go with the 2nd group but Steven said it was better for me to go with the first group to even out the numbers. So I jumped onto the spiffer trying not to get my boots wet and geared up for the boat ride back. Well, God was certainly looking out for me because as we were leaving Long Island we saw a whale jump! And Steven, being the 30 year old 10 year old that he is, starts boating towards the whale. As Hannah said, this was slightly dangerous but moreso fun. Well, we got pretty close to the whales and watched them jump out of the water over and over again. Beautiful  hump backed whales! One swam about 20 feet from our skiffer and spouted so that we all jumped. I wish I could describe how cool this was. I don't think I could do it justice. Long-arched indigo bellies reaching for breath, sand streams on skin dive eyes to blue hued ocean.   Poetry. Wahhhh. not really. I'll work harder and try to create something more majestic about the blue whales. It would be wonderful to be a hump backed whale though. Ahh to just glide through the ocean. We even saw a mother and baby whale.

These whales to me are a symbol for moments when we are not looking or seeking gifts, God will give them. I think he does that to see the delight that comes with surprise. To have a moment of realization of "Woah, you really do care for me."

I also am blessed to get to spend so much time with Stevie. We acknowledge that God made us an awesome friend combo. I love getting to share these experiences with a friend like her!

I also read two of my favorite Bible passages today. Isaiah 53 and 54. My Bible smells like ocean now because it got wet on the ride back from Long Island. There is so much to these passages to stop and ponder. "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering." 53:2-3. That description "a man of sorrows" really resonates with me. What does this mean in terms of how Christ felt? I wonder about this, thinking what kind of pain did he experience when everyone betrayed him?  The physical pain is obvious. But what about mental, spiritual, and emotional anguish? When I think about the Gospel narrative and try to understand why Christ's sacrifice could have SO much impact, I think about the symbolic power in his death. Assuming that the Gospel is true (hypothetically), why was his death so powerful when right beside him other men died in the same way? What is it in the narrative that makes his death a climax? In other words, a point of shift. One reason that his death is so poignant is that God the Father removed any connection from Christ while he was on the cross. Christ lived the ultimate rejection. Being rejected by his disciples, the people of the era, well that's nothing in comparison to utter rejection from God. Thinking of God in a way that would makes sense to a secular audience, I would describe God as love. If you remove every ounce of love, what do you have? Hell. Hate. Suffering. Pain. Hopelessness. Despair. Truly if there is not love (or relationships, community) what is the point of being alive? At the end of the day, what does success, achievement, invention, award, beauty, what does anything matter unless it makes other people's lives better? (or perhaps one might say it matters because it gives one a sense of purpose...but that feeling must be short-lived if it impacts no one). So, maybe you're following me or maybe not. Imagine Christ, dying in the most painful, gruesome, degrading way possible, betrayed by nearly everyone that he loved, that he cared for, that he helped. And on top of that, rejected by his Father, his God, stripped of any love...I can't even the emotion and the hurt he could have felt...and to me that is eons worse than physical pain. That recognition of being utterly alone. Utterly without anyone to care. And yet, Christ chose this. Knowing he would be rejected and despised. Isaiah prophesied that this would happen centuries before he was born! How you can miss that? There are so many parallels in this passage. "Yet it was the Lord's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied..." 53:10-11. He will be satisfied. Hmmm. What kind of satisfaction must a person experience after dying, sacrificing his life, and seeing that he has saved the human race from inescapable separation from God. Man I bet that satisfaction is much better than anything I'll ever experience. It's a satisfaction that follows true love-"Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13  I've mentioning what Stevie's friendship means to me. And this gives me a small glimpse of the goodness that comes from caring for a friend.  Christ called us his friends (John 15). Hmmm. What a strange God.

Isaiah 54 is probably my favorite passage in the Bible. It speaks so deeply to God's undeterring forgiveness...his grace for even the blackest hearts. His ability to make light out of darkness.
"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband--the Lord almighty is his name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit--a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger, I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the Lord your Redeemer. 54:4-8   I love this metaphor of the broken, rejected woman being taken back into the arms of a husband. This passage portrays God caring for a woman who has been hurt and abandoned. I love this because it makes me so encouraged thinking of how deeply God cares for all the women in the world...women abused, abandoned, hurt, without opportunity...women have been so historically oppressed because of Eve's curse. But that's not what God intended. Perhaps the world rejects women, but God loves them deeply. They are his daughters. And he planned for wholeness for every person, whatever gender. I think of the daughters who are caught in circumstances where they are not loved. Think and pray.

"Why nots and why. Hit me with a goodbye. I'll wait along the road to say hello again."

http://www.punjammies.com/
http://daughtersofhopeindia.com/
http://daughtersofcambodia.org/
http://www.ijm.org/
http://www.allgirlsallowed.org/about/chai-ling

Camping

Marshmellows browing over a popping fire 

Mornin

Wake up to crazy hair and a text from my dad. Ha! You are reading : )

And now someone's playing trumpet.

Pepperjack

Tried something new today. Pepper jack grilled cheese. I have never eaten a grilled cheese before. Typically I'll try the crusts, but the cheese is too much dairy for my tastes. But today for lunch they made grilled cheese & tomato soup. I ate a half pepper jack grilled cheese with a little tomato soup and it was delicious! Something about it being cold outside and rainy makes any warm food taste good.

Hot chocolate and coffee, and a long conversation with Stevie. It's amazing to me that she and I were barely friends a year ago. That without knowing it, we both prayed so much for God to bring Christian female friends into our lives. We needed it. At least I did. I always thought she was too fun to enjoy hanging around me, and I think she thought the opposite that I was too serious to connect with her. Little did I realize how much her friendship could teach me, inspire me, heal me in ways I did not anticipate needing healing. Little did I imagine the battles a year could bring, battles that I would need a friend to fight with. And I'm thankful for this year that brought this friend into my life, a forever friend who sees the value in me that I struggle to see. A friend who sticks with me when Im not even the me that I love.  It's a friendship formed by God and unbreakable because he has put it together.

Such a meaningful friendship that I even spent two hours talking with Clay and asked, "Tell me what you love about Stevie."

About to watch The Hobbit by a warm toasty fire.

Pepper jack grilled cheese is a metaphor for giving the unexpected a chance. What if Id never given Stevie Bailey a chance? I wouldn't be the Catherine I am now. This Catherine is growing into the woman I hope to be. Not because of my strength but of continual daily gifts from God. His love. In the form of hot chocolate and coffee, unshowered hair, sweatpants, flannel, the hobbit, talks about faith, knowing someone else from afar and close, eyes open to the way people are wonderfully different from me. How much we have to learn from anyone and everyone around us.

In the last lecture at NU, Professor Renee said, "You don't get bonus points for struggling alone." So why do it? It feels safer. It's terrifying to be vulnerable about struggles in the present. Debilitating paralysis overcomes the lips although the thoughts are spinning. What value in a friend who can see and say, "What's wrong? I can tell you're hiding something." Luke Miedma once said that our closeness with others will flow from our closeness with God.  Hard lesson to learn how to expose our hurts to God. In opening to Him, we find the strength to open to others who are the words and hands of God. We LONG for God to be with us! We do. We long to hear him, see him, touch him, be held by him, be assured by physical presence that He is real and that He loves us.  The thing is, He does hold us. He does talk to us. Through others who love him. We are literally the hands and feet of Christ.

I'm hoping to shift my blog to be only partially about my thoughts and experiences, to use them as a medium for what might be encouraging to others. Although this could potentially be didactic or prescriptive Ill try to be honest, examining what is difficult to address, acknowledge, and understand. I feel that if I've learned anything from my work in facilitation, especially from Michael Rohd, it is that a conversation is never done. There is Always another angle to consider. And only by reaching into the unknown do we develop a deep understanding and personal conviction about a belief. So my advice, and as a disclaimer any advice I give is even more deeply advice that I need but struggle to follow, my advice is to let people in. Give them a chance. I think you'll be deeply surprised by how good it is to give the new a chance. Possibly as good as a pepper jack grilled cheese.

Testimonies

wish I could reveal to you the beauty of two testimonies revealed tonight. Honest struggle failure falling finding something unexpected. Love. Remember my question about beauty? This is beauty. The heart revealed.

PS Stevie Bailey says this blog is perfect for reading while pooping! Boo yah. I feel accomplished. Shout out to Claire Kennedy who knows someone who only writes a blog while pooping. Poop talk.

<3 Stevie

Alaskan beauty

The Alaskan beach is one of the most beautiful sights in the world. Green hills rolling along the sides, thick aquamarine streaming in like beads. God must be evermore beautiful than we can imagine.

The wind just unexpectedly shut the door of my cabin. Eerie. Can hear the stream running by, faint call of waves, and ribbon of whistling from birds ever so often.

Beauty, what is it? In our eyes & Gods. The passage that says "Man looks to the outward appearance but God looks to the heart comes to mind."  A pastor once told a story about a woman who was the most beautiful, mesmerizing, lovely creature in heaven who all could not stop looking at. God explained that no one noticed her on earth, and she gave all her time to giving to others. Through that God formed the most beautiful spirit within her. Hidden beauty. How do we reshape our eyes to see and grow to love and learn from hidden beauty? It amazes me how our society seeks beauty, it attracts draws us gives people an unfair advantage. Yet what good does it do? We're all just looking for radical, unquestioning, all accepting love. The kind written about in the Gospel. But it's hard to identify that craving and seek love from God. For some reason, acceptance and love from this world just seems much more important. Learning the truth of Psalm 139 everyday more and more.

Gil-net fishing

It's 7:35 am (here) and today we head off to staff retreat. No showering and no toilets for a week. In theory I am excited for this. If I can go swimming everyday, I'll go a few days without showering. There's a sort of thrill in this to just not care about being dirty. I discovered this on PWILD. If everyone else is dirty too, well then there's no reason to look good!  I'm attempting to wear no make-up for the duration that I am here. We'll see how that goes!

This week I'll be without my laptop so my blog posts may not be extensive. Thanks to the IPHONE though I can blog from the road! O the wonders of technology. We can communicate anytime, anywhere. Good thinking dad. "Everyone's gonna want a cellphone"...Betsy "No one will want these things"...Oh Aunt Betsy I probably would have said the same thing. But now it's so ingrained in my life I can't imagine being without it! I'm sure I'd be fine, but I do enjoy Snapchat.

Before we head off, I've got to tell about gil-net fishing. I'm cosily sitting on my top bunk and the room is dark. So I'm nice and warm and can talk about fishing with a smile instead of shivering. Before I begin, I want to say I dedicate this experience to my dad. You'd be proud! Sorta. When and why did you catch fish in Alaska? One of the odd stories I'll have to ask about.

Layers--jeans & rainpants, shirt, fleece, sweatshirt, and coat...rainboots. I felt prepared to be warm no matter how cold it was. False! We drove to the dock and I was chilly the moment I stepped out of the KBM van. Walking along the wooden peer, all the fishing boats with their storied names like "Marian Kay" watch and wonder. We stepped onto a bigger boat and put on life jackets. That made me a bit warmer. Kyle Sebastian, the city boy, pointed out the newness of this world for him. We all stepped into a smaller silver boat and set off along the coastline. When I tasted the saltiness of a wave, I realized that this was the ocean! There are sharks, whales, sea creatures in that thing.  fdklfjdlakfj makes me shiver. We did see a ginormous seal. Man that thing was so hefty that if he moved, I bet he just rolled off into the water. Splat. He didn't move the whole time we were out in the water! When we came back he was still splayed on his stomach, but a skinnier seal friend had joined him. This one gave us a bit of a show and jumped into the water. He/she seal was pretty massive as well so that I can say I never want to swim with one of those things. The movie Andre, what was that about? So anyway, we rode in the boat across the ocean for awhile, and I faced the back because the rain hitting my face was cold. Stevie and Shelby kept pointing out seals and everytime I would turn around the seals would pop their heads back in the water. It was a game of sorts.  I watched the island hills blanketed in fog. The wind turbines peeked through the fog in an eerie way...sci-fi-esque as if they were the blades of a battleship. The sage water mirrored the forest green hills--emerald jewels reflecting the color of another. So beautiful I wish I could put a house on the shore and just watch the waves and trees in the wind.  Kyle Sebastian said, "See I'm looking into the future, and you're looking into the past," philosophizing, and making a metaphor of the fact I faced the back. I realized that he's right. I do wonder about the past, contemplate the choices I made to understand who I am in the now. I don't see this as a negative thing. If I only thought about the future, then I'd have no basis for understanding what I want/don't want. I know by experience what I don't want.

What I do want is to be brave. To jump into experiences that make me hesitate. I love the feeling that comes with spontaneity. I feel most rejuvenated when I live life unplanned...100% my favorite way to live! Of course I see the value of plan and have implemented that into my life, especially at NU. But I've found that when my life lacks spontaneity, I, as an artist, writer, creator, friend lack a joy that is central to who God made me to be. It is such fun to have an unexpected connections and conversations--these moments often inspire and energize me, and I love that. The good thing is, I know that God knows who I am, so I can trust that he will provide these routes of spontaneity. My acting teachers always say, "The casting directors want you to do good. They want you to be awesome so you can play their part." Well I believe God feels the same way. He wants me to be the best me so he is going to help me be that me. Whatever that means. But I can trust that I don't have to put all my energy into making life the most exciting it can be because I know that God will provide exactly what I need, I just have to remember to see my circumstances that way.

Woahhh I really digressed from my story about gil-net fishing! And I haven't even gotten to the most exciting part. The fishing. Well we cast the net about fifty feet from shore. Steven, one of the camp directors, said that if we jumped in the water we'd have about a 50% chance of making it to shore. Hypothermia would get us. (Titanic mind jump here). Since I was already feeling cold, I didn't want to test his theory!  Anyway, we had to wait awhile and re-adjust the net and continually move the boat back from the shore. The funny part was, Steven would tell us to move to the back of the boat to make room for this guy to adjust the net. So all us girls would struggle to get around one another and get to the back of the boat. Then he'd tell us to move to the side. The front. Kept us on our toes I'll say. Finally, a salmon swam into our net! I was talking to Steven about something and all of a sudden he exclaimed, "We got one!" It was so exciting that I didn't even mind that he stopped listening (hehe). He explained that the seals know what we are doing and if we are not quick enough they will pick the salmon from the net. LAME. get your own salmon seal. Then another fish got caught in the net and another! It was hard to tell because of the waves, but to see a silvery lump slip into the net!

After awhile we had to reel the net in slowly. Stevie, Shelby, and I picked kelp and seaweed out of the net while Clay curled it into a donut shape. The kelp looked like knots of hair, but the seaweed was a pretty translucent green. I almost took a bite. At one point, Clay started putting up the net pretty fast and we tried to keep grabbing the kelp and it was a mess because the boat was rocking and I don't have very good balance (which I learned in gymnastics...horrible at the balance beam!), so needless to say I started dreaming about hot cider and a warm blanket. But it was fun to work with my hands, to be so gritty and outdoorsy for once. I don't think I could do that often and I admire fisherman who live that life. Not for me. (One job I can check off the list). Through this process we brought in three shiny, blue, slippery salmon (and one flounder that we threw back into the ocean!). Oo they were so pretty. With our fish caught and our net retrieved, we rode the boat back to the dock. Shelby, Stevie, and I held onto this rail as if we were about to fall, and Shelby goes "gun it"...then the boat moved forward really slowly. Very anti-climatic. Riding back across the ocean, took a pit stop by the fat seal and his skinny friend. Back to the shore. Onto the big boat. Across the dock. Into the KBM van to go clean the fish!

Here's where I'm kinda lame. I just stood and watched because I hate blood. Steven cut into the salmon and oh my goodness I couldn't move. Stevie, Clay, Shelby, and Kyle ate the fish eggs. There is no way on earth I would do that. Hope they don't get sick! Stevie and Shelby took the salmon splays and washed them off. I really didn't want to touch them. The thought of putting my fingers into the gil just made me shiver. I could never be a doctor! But it was cool to see the process of catching fish and preparing them for cooking! Felt very self-sufficient. I think I'm more suited for writing poetry than catching fish...On the ride back to KBM I thought about how people work, people have jobs to provide ease and convenience for other people. If people didn't want convenience, what jobs would there be? A society where everyone plays a part and share's everything would provide convenience but also make sure everyone is provided for. But the way our world is set up now, people's livelihood depends on the demand for convenience. I want to eat salmon while living in Evanston, IL, so some fisherman in Alaska does all the work for me. I have no connection to him/her yet our lives our connected in some strange way. What if he lost his job? Would I care? Our world is connected and disconnected simultaneously. Everyone, every thing, every moment is a thousand stories of joy or pain or both. So much unknown.

Once back at the mission, I immediately took off the layers to get the wet off me.  Then we cooked the salmon. Stevie and Drew, the cook, collaborated. It was tasty. MMMM. Butter and lemon pepper, skilleted then baked. Real good.  I've been strangely continuously neverendingly hungry on this trip (possibly because of that first day hiking), so I ate a LOT  when we got back from fishing. Honey net cheerios. Salmon. Halibut enchiladas. Wheat bread. So much that I'm not very hungry for breakfast now. That's now the past pattern to adopt. On the topic of food, I'm slightly nervous for this staff retreat because Clay said we'll be eating hot dogs and chili with fritos....uhhhhh my digestive system is going to struggle...I need vegetables. I'll bring some nuts and an orange along, and make do.  Clay taught me about this plant that's sour when you bite into it. Like sour straws. I'll distract myself with that.  Oh and the rain. It'll be rainy for the duration of our time on staff retreat. I do like rain. I love the smell and the look and the feel. So that will be beautiful.

It's a good morning, and I'm excited to brush my teeth, get some Honey-net cheerios, and head off on staff retreat. Hope you have a good day too : )