The hard thanks

Some things are harder to thank God for.

Kyle Sebastian got in to Kodiak today. I smile seeing a dear friend from school.
Sadness though. I have left Northwestern. Left behind those people I spent the past four years building relationships with. The support. The collaborators. The laughers. The listeners. The people I should have gotten to know better. So many people I wish I had gotten to know better. How now that I'm gone, once I realized I would leave, I started to want to know people, celebrate people, savor each moment with these people I have no guarantee of seeing again. Why is it so hard to appreciate what God gives us in each moment? Until after it's gone.

Kyle is playing the worship music on the KBM piano. People are singing. Beautiful.
I love finding people to worship God with all around the world. A uniting factor, this God, who enables us to love other people, to delve deep and connect close through mutual love of God.

Luke Miedma, RUF pastor, said that we should fall in love with Jesus in another person. If you do that, he said, you'll never fall out of love, because if that person is walking with Jesus, that person will become more and more like Jesus. What does it mean to fall in love with Jesus in another person?

What does this look like in friendship? What is God in a friendship? What moments, words, thoughts. Actions. Today I asked Stevie and Clay for prayer. Clay is such a man of God, and I feel deep joy that he and Stevie are together. Because I care so deeply for Stevie. And it brings me joy to come to know the wise, thoughtful, kind, strong sides of Clay, because Stevie should be with a person like that.

I'm reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, and I'm at my favorite chapter "What in the world, in all this world, is grace?"  Ann so wisely observes that God calls us to give thanks in sorrow and suffering, in the hurt and in the hard. In the thick of the overwhelming pain he says, give me thanks. This seems counter-intuitive. Pain brings up the questions, "God why? Why are you putting me through this? Why do things have to be hard? Why can't you just make it go away? If you love me, why do you let me hurt?"  These are questions I don't have answers to. I don't know why God allows pain, suffering, poverty, hunger, disease, travesty, tragedy, broken-heartedness. The go to answer might be, "Well he's teaching you to trust him through this. He's making you stronger through letting you experience pain." Maybe so. I think God's heart breaks seeing his children in pain, any kind of pain. That's always been one of the most touching, moving, stirring things about God. Knowing that when I hurt, he hurts with me. He's not an "I told you so" kind of God, although he certainly could be. The Bible tells us lots of things, but do we follow them? Nope. Instead, he is a God who reaches in to hold us in the pain. When we feel the most weak, he makes himself known. How? How does he make himself known? I'm not sure. But I've seen him work in this way in my life before. I've felt the hardening of heart to shut out pain that seems unnecessary, unwanted--but with God, there is an invitation to feel, experience, rest in the pain, to let it fully live, acknowledge, see, know it be overwhelmed by the circumstances and say thank you God for your grace. What happens when we do this?  Another question I don't have the answer for. My life has been so easy. I've experienced so little pain. So little suffering. I've never known hunger, rejection, physical suffering. But who has a life without pain? I can tell you that financial resources do not bring happiness. I can tell you that having everything does not bring joy. Brief, fleeting, glimpses of something like excitement, but the lasting joy? Well theoretically, I believe that is found in giving thanks. In the hard moments. This I pray God helps me to do. This I pray for. Help to be thankful when it's hard.

Voskamp poses a hard question in relaying an anecdote about a time her son put his hand in a fan. What if the fan blade had cut off his hand? What about God's grace then? She asks. Is giving thanks for God's grace, just giving grace for what is good? So if the fan had cut off her son's hand, would she say, "God thank you he is alive." Is being thankful about recognizing the good? Or should it be recognizing the all, and saying thanks for the all? How does one grasp the strength to say thanks for the hard "Thank you God that my son lost his hand." Ah bitter snap of pain just thinking about that kind of hurt.

With things that are hard, I want to say, "God thank you for this. Thank you for this exactly as it is. Thank you for the choices I have made. The failures. the mistakes. the things I am ashamed to reveal. Thank you for all this that I want to hide." What effect might it have to give thanks like that? I can say I don't have the strength for that kind of thanks as of now.

Paradise Lost is one of my favorite pieces of literature.  One of my favorite moments exemplifies what joy in sorrow is. I'm recalling a conversation with Lydia Vanzalen as I write this. Well, in one of the early books of Paradise Lost, God looks out over the world and sees his newly created beings man and woman. All the angels praise Him for creating such wonderful things. Then he explains that they will reject him, desert him, disobey him and someone will have to sacrifice for them to spare them of God's judgement. Before they even fail, God is already willing to forgive. Well God speaks this to all the angels, and of course they cower and put the finger to the nose, "Not me!" type of thing. Then Christ steps forward, agrees to leave heaven, be humbled, be hurt, be broken, bruised, rejected all for the sake of these beings. Christ offers his glory, his life, his relationship with God so that the human beings can be redeemed with God. But that's not the crazy part. That's not the part that almost puts tears in my eyes. That's not the part that has stuck with me.  What keeps me thinking is the fact that after Christ agrees to suffer tremendous pain, all of heaven erupts into joy and celebration. What is this? They look straight into the face of tragedy and yet celebrate! How what why where? It's beyond my understanding. But the fact that they celebrate reveals something. That there is a better glory and a hope beyond the pain. Beyond the suffering is regeneration. Joy. Goodness. Love! They can see that after Christ sacrifices himself and is hurt, hurt, hurt by everyone, then Christ will be glorified above all. That because of his hurt, God can pour love into his creations. Because of the pain, God can bring his beings into eternity to celebrate, be united, be loved by him as he always originally intended. So in this, I see how hurt is just temporary. Hurt is not lasting even if it seems neverending. Because there is hope beyond this world. Hope in Christ. Hope in the glory of heaven.  Hope in being loved by an eternal, unchanging love. This is what I long for. All-accepting, unchanging agape love. And God offers. It's up to me to just receive. And one way to receive, is to step back and recognize the little gifts God places right before our eyes : )

bean, corn, chicken, onion soup   warm on chill day
funny things people do. especially Shelby Bailey
worshipping at Assembly of God church this morning
dogs in pick-up trucks
power of prayer
struggle to give thanks
beautiful voices singing
mountains snow-capped
falling asleep while Stevie reads the hobbit
fresh tomatoes, broccoli, nuts in salad
brushing teeth
gil-net fishing (new adventure tonight!)
honesty
moment when the pastor referenced people in his congregation
super inspiring talk by a highschooler about being yourself
being silly
"I've got to say something honest..." real serious then saying something ridiculous
blue eyes
whale watching!
Clay's whale dance
new people
hearing about the work at the mission (being poor)
pre-school rooms, painted purple
name tags
"America" when Kyle walked into Walmart. yes Kyle Alaska is America : )
.56 cent notebook (what human rights conditions are in effect because of that cheap price?)
prayers to grow in love, prayers to want to serve (at least it's in the right direction)
 Advice from Clay--it doesn't matter what you do as long as you love people and you love God

Day 1 Alaska

Well today went how I might expect my first day in Alaska to go, at least when one is in Alaska with Stevie Bailey. For starters, slept maybe an hour in the airport, woken up by Clay who brought me coffee (what is with all these free drinks???).   I thought that was very sweet but the coffee was not sweet enough for my taste.   Perhaps, if I had had more sleep the coffee would have been more appealing. In the moment, I only wanted to curl up and continue using my backpack as a pillow, letting the sound of the early morning news keep me conscious in blanketed sleep. We flew in to Kodiak at 7:30am on a very empty flight.  Scaling over the Alaskan waters, rows of trees, snow-capped mountain, I felt a longing to be here. To be. To stay. To rest. A sweet woman picked us up and drove us in a crimson van to the Kodiak Baptist Mission.  Now I can tell that I will come to love this place. The communal kitchen, the throw your shoes off at the door mentality, the dry off with a questionably clean towel...all of it says things are okay to not be perfectly okay. Everyone plays a part. There's a chore chart. I will like completing some chore and checking an x beside my name. I like to washing dishes, especially with someone else, because it asks us to take the time to put our minds on something insignificant, allowing us to give our attention to one another.  This morning, Clay made everyone eggs (my idea) with onion and mozzarella cheese.  Having eaten Hummus Chips and chocolate covered almonds for dinner, these hearty eggs filled my need for nutrients.  So strange how from the getgo I can begin invading a fridge and help make breakfast for strangers. I like that. It reminds me of Lord of the Rings, those moments in the story when the crew is cared for in Rivendel (The Last Homely House!) meats, cheese, fruit, music, song-all company with food to spare! If only the whole world was like this. If only our lives were one continuous celebration in which we welcome anyone and everyone to join us. A world without poverty, hunger, disease.  Well in this environment, I feel a sense of welcome. Even though I don't even know the names of the counselors living with me.  Yet it's strange to me to be meeting all new people who have existing relationships and ways of interacting (many of the counselors have been here awhile).  I'm always fascinated by the Catherine I present to people when I first meet them. I reacted in a surprising way tonight. One of the staff members, a jolly seeming fella with a hearty sense of humor, asked me about myself. I replied, "Can I tell you about myself tomorrow? I'm just too tired to talk." Pure honesty right there. We went to dinner at one of the staff members' homes, and I just wanted to curl up with the big otter pelts! They were so soft. But I'm just feeling too tired to entertain and talk and present who I am. All I want is to be quiet. To look at the water and the trees and hear the air move. I did hike the highest mountain on Kodiak Island today, so I think I can give myself a break. Unknowingly I agreed to hike this mountain...Stevie.....anyway, hiking the mountain was a lovely experience. Stevie and I, exhausted from having no sleep and eating little food, traversed up the mountain like hippos (I believe hippos move slowly).  Yet this was good. It was good to go at the pace a friend needed to go. Or for her to go at the pace I needed to go. We stopped often. We talked. We looked at the flowers and petted the dogs of other hikers. Then Clay came back down the mountain to motivate us to keep going Jimmy Cricket style. With his prompting, "No don't stop. just keep going" I made it to the top of the hike, out of breath, wanting water, but to the top!   There happened to be a small mound of snow at the top, and I ate some. Dirty water snow. But refreshing to the thirsty throat. Going down the mountain was the worst. Painstakingly slow trying not to trip and fling down down down. But I had the company of Jake, a high schooler, who wants to work in inner-city ministry someday. He agreed to go before me to fall first if needed.  The best part was sliding down the dirt parts of the path on our shoes. It's amazing how hiking shoes can be like sleds! Laughter. And we talked of books--Ender's Game, The Stranger, Picture of Dorian Gray. And I thought about whether I would like to teach Literature to high schoolers. I can't see the path ahead but God knows. Trust. I can trust him to lead. I just have to love this day. And there were many moments to make this day loveable. Ending the evening with fresh cooked, fresh caught salmon! What could be better?  I also spoke with a girl from Germany who is working at the mission. She talked about how great it is to be living and working in a totally different culture...learning to adjust to the language, being alone, figuring out the place...and I remember the yearning I have to do the same. But where? India, Thailand, Indonesia, Costa Rica, Peru, Ghana, South Africa, Israel, Greece...there are so many places I would love to know. I pray I develop a desire to serve in some place. But the good thing is, I can serve exactly where I am.

Alaskan salmon

Should have known I'd have the best tasting salmon of my life here. I could eat this everyday. Teriyaki salmon mmm. They caught it themselves!

Onward to Alaska

There's a lot to be thankful for today, although currently I'm sitting outside of the airport gates where Stevie and Clay are making fort for our night in the Anchorage airport. Apparently, I can't check my bags until 4 hours before the flight, so I'll be up for the next two hours until I can check in. It's 2:45 am in Jackson so my internal clock is wonky, but I'm filled with the odd energy of reflection and desire to talk that hits me when I can't sleep. I'm going to become friends with the ginormous taxidermy grizzly bear in the glass box beside me. Are bears really that big? No wonder my mom is terrified of them. What is the relationship between man an animals? Can it be peaceful? This makes me think of Life of Pi, a thinker and mesmerizing aesthetics. Oh how nice it would be to swim in an ocean right now! But back to Alaska. Could bears and humans peacefully coexist? What role does fear play in danger...between humans and animals and humans with humans.  My good friend told me that her mom put her dads socks and undergarments in her garden overnight to keep the deer away (one can only imagine how funny that must look). The deer can smell that humans eat meat so they keep away. Hmmm. On the plane today from Jackson, the man beside me read a book called Time to Hunt. What might that book be about? I thought about how of course someone from the Republican anti-gun control belt would be reading that book. But I wonder, what about the story drew this reader in. What compelled him to buy the book in the first place? What might the protagonist have been hunting? It sounds like a masculine version of a romance novel.  My father is a hunter. And I often wonder what is the draw for him. The thrill of waiting for a Dow or buck to emerge, calculating from a distance it's age and gender by the body shape and horns. Fixating the barrel of the gun to strike at the exact spot so that the animal won't suffer. Then pow. In an instant, one flick of the finger, ricochets loud sending crows squawking. The animal down or fleeing.  What primitive emotions awaken in this experience, to lure the hunter back again.  My father, as a peaceful man, tells me that he likes to go hunting to sit in nature...taking the time to read, ponder, listen, pray. Seems a bit oxymoronic to me, the peace entertwined with violence. Which leads me to question, what degree of violence is necessary to make the world go round? Hmmm. If I was more proactive, I probably would not eat meat. Sadly not because I have a terribly compassionate heart for chickens on chicken farms. I don't enjoy the taste for starters, and I feel I'm polluting my system with pesticides by eating meat.  Is it really necessary to raise, kill, eat animals in mass?  I'll have to think more on this.

To diverge from these unguided musings, which are quite enjoyable if you have time, following a Joycian stream of consciousness thought trail, but anyway I digress. There have been some moments today that are worth noting.  There are so many things to be thankful for, primarily all have to do with people. My mother making a turkey (oh meat!), cucumber, tomato sandwich before I got on the plane. My brother riding to the airport with me. Then on the plane, I listened to a dad talk with his daughter, probably 5 years old, about the plane. "You should come on all my business trips with me," he said. I think that there may not be anything more beautiful than a father caring for his daughter, and I was delighted to overhear how patiently he answered her questions, how much joy and laughter she expressed at the idea of someday becoming an airplane pilot! And the way he carefully repacked her Dora the Explorer suitcase. I couldn't help but joke, "wow she's got all the necessities there. My Little Pony. Barbie. A stethoscope." You never know when you're gonna play with my little pony. Ya gotta be prepared.  This fathers willingness to joke with me exemplifies the way people interact in the South. We talk with anyone. People are safe. You probably even have mutual friends! I see how my Southern upbringing has formed who I am.

I then met Stevie & Clay in Atlanta, I actually stumbled upon them by surprise and fell into giggles! I feel rejuvenated since spending time at home, and it was nice to see Stevie outside of the context of school.  I'm sooooo thankful to be spending the next few weeks with them!  I very much enjoy interacting with these two, and imagine that the more time we spend together, the goofier we will act.  We met a woman from Mobile and got into a conversation about life and jobs ahd the works. oh the South! then on the plane Clay let me wear his fleece because I was cold. It is so nice to have brothers in Christ. Ladies, whatever your beliefs may be, I would highly recommend that you build friendships with some real Christian boys. Respect and care is edifying.

Two more things to thank God for:

1) time to read. My soul feels nourished by reading.

2) this little kid kept giggling whenever the bags fell out of baggage claim. Oh to find joy like that in all simple things! It's there. We only have to look more closely. Squinting works.

Ahh one more. A family is currently taking a huge family photo. We talked with the dad of this family for awhile. A pastor who used to preach at his church, now preaches in Jackson. That pastor is a family friend. Small world! Well anyway, it's super sweet to see a large family taking a photo!  All laughter and closeness.

And I can't forget how joyful I feel to be finding the mountains. Peace and wonder just rise from the image of mountains. I could sit and never move and be content.  I'm only in the airport, but I love the smell and feel of the air. So fresh and clean. Ya know, people have asked (or maybe I have asked) if you could go back to any time period or be a character in any novel who would you be any why? I think my answer would be that I would be an explorer gallavanting out west! (Of course it's beyond my imagination how difficult that would be, but if I could fare it, yes I would want to live during the Age of Exploration. Colonization days, but do it without oppression).

This brings me to my final point of thankfulness. I'm glad that I'm stuck outside the terminal because it gave me the space to write this blog entry and think about all the little moments that have made this day good : )

Oh by the way, I can't take credit for the idea beyond this blog. I've absolutely been inspired by One Thousands Gifts, which is a woman's tale of the impact of taking time to note the gifts in unexpected places found each day.

So I ended up making friends with the two women working the night shift at Starbucks. Turns out they get bored and will make free samples for people stuck in the abyss like me. Mmm cinnamon dulce latte!! Also some drunk, possibly really sad guy insisted on buying my tea for me.well alright. Free coffee in the am. Righteous.  She also said I look pretty! Well I take that as quite the compliment considering I'm not wearing makeup, have been traveling since 1pm, and always break out when I fly. People are nice. I like people. Maybe I'll just stay in this airport all summer.

Purpose

How does one choose a title for a blog? I thought about entitling this blog something along the lines of REASONSTOLIVE or REASONSTOGIVE or REASONSTOLOVE, for my purpose in writing in this blog is to practice the art of identifying the endless moments in each day that make life mesmerizing.  Through this writing, I hope to learn the habit of thankfulness, which I believe is a learned trait, something that takes work.  1 Thessalonians 5:18 says to, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus,".  I find that command daunting, knowing the ways I have forgotten to see the good but instead fixated on what is difficult about circumstances. In that mentality, I have experienced debilitation that follows discouragement, the struggle to rise.  Now I know more clearly than before the beauty, necessity, and strength of hope.  I heard on the radio once about a hospital that brought in drama specialists to lead games with children suffering from cancer.  The reason? Their chances of survival increased significantly when they had hope. What is hope and where do we find it?  There are millions of answers. Perhaps I'll explore some in this blog.  But a quote from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King sums up to me what hope is:

“There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tower high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”

This describes what I perceive as the most reliable hope that exists.  Light and high beauty for ever beyond the reach of pain in the fog. God is hope. It takes faith to believe in the hope that may be difficult to see, feel, experience, hear, discern. But just like the white star twinkling beyond the haze, there is hope glistening into our lives if only we take the time to recognize it. 

So instead of naming this blog, REASONSTOLIVE, which would have appropriately indicated the purpose of my writing, I decided to steal a phrase from a poem I wrote. The writer in me had to choose some abstract image of course.  Last spring, for Northwestern's poetry sequence, I wrote this:

I want to find where the sunset folds

and languages collide like colors

to make white.

Somehow there

everyone understands everyone.

Mothers, sons

fathers, daughters

sisters, sisters

just like music

when the melody makes people feel

the same sadness or joy

even when no one knows the words.

It may not be obvious, but the place I was referencing to is heaven, a place where we will be with God.  Colors contain so many words, memories, associations, colors, emotions, joys, hurts, hopes. When colors collide, well there's potential for many an image, moment, idea.  

I write in this blog, hopefully not to be self-indulgent, but instead to have a space to reflect. To find joy in writing, and when I'm writing for others to read I experience excitement and joy.  Many a friend has commented about how strange it is that I get so excited about the way words look on a page. I hope what I write may resonate with others. I hope that identifying things to be thankful about will start to transform me. And I hope that journey may offer encouragement to others seeking or struggling to give thanks in all circumstances.  

So to start off, Day 1:

Things to be thankful for

bluebird vibrant

ant carrying a piece of bark, crawling across my t-shirt

a high-school friend offering to listen, encouragement out of the blue

a best friend who understands, cares

dog, desperate for attention

finding the strength to be honest

crickets at night

snapchat : )

talking to my dad about a crazy experience on a white horse in China

singing praise music with other Christians

dancing in the street to Macklemore

the cashier at Stein Mart who said "God Bless You"