The hard thanks

Some things are harder to thank God for.

Kyle Sebastian got in to Kodiak today. I smile seeing a dear friend from school.
Sadness though. I have left Northwestern. Left behind those people I spent the past four years building relationships with. The support. The collaborators. The laughers. The listeners. The people I should have gotten to know better. So many people I wish I had gotten to know better. How now that I'm gone, once I realized I would leave, I started to want to know people, celebrate people, savor each moment with these people I have no guarantee of seeing again. Why is it so hard to appreciate what God gives us in each moment? Until after it's gone.

Kyle is playing the worship music on the KBM piano. People are singing. Beautiful.
I love finding people to worship God with all around the world. A uniting factor, this God, who enables us to love other people, to delve deep and connect close through mutual love of God.

Luke Miedma, RUF pastor, said that we should fall in love with Jesus in another person. If you do that, he said, you'll never fall out of love, because if that person is walking with Jesus, that person will become more and more like Jesus. What does it mean to fall in love with Jesus in another person?

What does this look like in friendship? What is God in a friendship? What moments, words, thoughts. Actions. Today I asked Stevie and Clay for prayer. Clay is such a man of God, and I feel deep joy that he and Stevie are together. Because I care so deeply for Stevie. And it brings me joy to come to know the wise, thoughtful, kind, strong sides of Clay, because Stevie should be with a person like that.

I'm reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts, and I'm at my favorite chapter "What in the world, in all this world, is grace?"  Ann so wisely observes that God calls us to give thanks in sorrow and suffering, in the hurt and in the hard. In the thick of the overwhelming pain he says, give me thanks. This seems counter-intuitive. Pain brings up the questions, "God why? Why are you putting me through this? Why do things have to be hard? Why can't you just make it go away? If you love me, why do you let me hurt?"  These are questions I don't have answers to. I don't know why God allows pain, suffering, poverty, hunger, disease, travesty, tragedy, broken-heartedness. The go to answer might be, "Well he's teaching you to trust him through this. He's making you stronger through letting you experience pain." Maybe so. I think God's heart breaks seeing his children in pain, any kind of pain. That's always been one of the most touching, moving, stirring things about God. Knowing that when I hurt, he hurts with me. He's not an "I told you so" kind of God, although he certainly could be. The Bible tells us lots of things, but do we follow them? Nope. Instead, he is a God who reaches in to hold us in the pain. When we feel the most weak, he makes himself known. How? How does he make himself known? I'm not sure. But I've seen him work in this way in my life before. I've felt the hardening of heart to shut out pain that seems unnecessary, unwanted--but with God, there is an invitation to feel, experience, rest in the pain, to let it fully live, acknowledge, see, know it be overwhelmed by the circumstances and say thank you God for your grace. What happens when we do this?  Another question I don't have the answer for. My life has been so easy. I've experienced so little pain. So little suffering. I've never known hunger, rejection, physical suffering. But who has a life without pain? I can tell you that financial resources do not bring happiness. I can tell you that having everything does not bring joy. Brief, fleeting, glimpses of something like excitement, but the lasting joy? Well theoretically, I believe that is found in giving thanks. In the hard moments. This I pray God helps me to do. This I pray for. Help to be thankful when it's hard.

Voskamp poses a hard question in relaying an anecdote about a time her son put his hand in a fan. What if the fan blade had cut off his hand? What about God's grace then? She asks. Is giving thanks for God's grace, just giving grace for what is good? So if the fan had cut off her son's hand, would she say, "God thank you he is alive." Is being thankful about recognizing the good? Or should it be recognizing the all, and saying thanks for the all? How does one grasp the strength to say thanks for the hard "Thank you God that my son lost his hand." Ah bitter snap of pain just thinking about that kind of hurt.

With things that are hard, I want to say, "God thank you for this. Thank you for this exactly as it is. Thank you for the choices I have made. The failures. the mistakes. the things I am ashamed to reveal. Thank you for all this that I want to hide." What effect might it have to give thanks like that? I can say I don't have the strength for that kind of thanks as of now.

Paradise Lost is one of my favorite pieces of literature.  One of my favorite moments exemplifies what joy in sorrow is. I'm recalling a conversation with Lydia Vanzalen as I write this. Well, in one of the early books of Paradise Lost, God looks out over the world and sees his newly created beings man and woman. All the angels praise Him for creating such wonderful things. Then he explains that they will reject him, desert him, disobey him and someone will have to sacrifice for them to spare them of God's judgement. Before they even fail, God is already willing to forgive. Well God speaks this to all the angels, and of course they cower and put the finger to the nose, "Not me!" type of thing. Then Christ steps forward, agrees to leave heaven, be humbled, be hurt, be broken, bruised, rejected all for the sake of these beings. Christ offers his glory, his life, his relationship with God so that the human beings can be redeemed with God. But that's not the crazy part. That's not the part that almost puts tears in my eyes. That's not the part that has stuck with me.  What keeps me thinking is the fact that after Christ agrees to suffer tremendous pain, all of heaven erupts into joy and celebration. What is this? They look straight into the face of tragedy and yet celebrate! How what why where? It's beyond my understanding. But the fact that they celebrate reveals something. That there is a better glory and a hope beyond the pain. Beyond the suffering is regeneration. Joy. Goodness. Love! They can see that after Christ sacrifices himself and is hurt, hurt, hurt by everyone, then Christ will be glorified above all. That because of his hurt, God can pour love into his creations. Because of the pain, God can bring his beings into eternity to celebrate, be united, be loved by him as he always originally intended. So in this, I see how hurt is just temporary. Hurt is not lasting even if it seems neverending. Because there is hope beyond this world. Hope in Christ. Hope in the glory of heaven.  Hope in being loved by an eternal, unchanging love. This is what I long for. All-accepting, unchanging agape love. And God offers. It's up to me to just receive. And one way to receive, is to step back and recognize the little gifts God places right before our eyes : )

bean, corn, chicken, onion soup   warm on chill day
funny things people do. especially Shelby Bailey
worshipping at Assembly of God church this morning
dogs in pick-up trucks
power of prayer
struggle to give thanks
beautiful voices singing
mountains snow-capped
falling asleep while Stevie reads the hobbit
fresh tomatoes, broccoli, nuts in salad
brushing teeth
gil-net fishing (new adventure tonight!)
honesty
moment when the pastor referenced people in his congregation
super inspiring talk by a highschooler about being yourself
being silly
"I've got to say something honest..." real serious then saying something ridiculous
blue eyes
whale watching!
Clay's whale dance
new people
hearing about the work at the mission (being poor)
pre-school rooms, painted purple
name tags
"America" when Kyle walked into Walmart. yes Kyle Alaska is America : )
.56 cent notebook (what human rights conditions are in effect because of that cheap price?)
prayers to grow in love, prayers to want to serve (at least it's in the right direction)
 Advice from Clay--it doesn't matter what you do as long as you love people and you love God