Zombie Flight

Somebody tell Michaelina that Im actually a zombie. It's 452 in Kodiak and 752 in Chicago. I'm in Chicago. Woah. I'm in O'hare and I've never been here. I love wandering around new places. There's so much to absorb!

So the plane flight was obnoxiously long and my phone died so I couldn't even listen to Brooke Fraser. But here's what I did! I learned some espanol : )

Abroche Su cinturon mientras este sentado

Chateco salvavidas debajo de Su asiento

Prohibido fumar en el bano

Jale la puerta para abrir

Como cortesia para el proximo parajero le sugerimos secar el lavabo com su toalla usada! Gracias!

It took me awhile to write all this down in the bathroom, and I think the flight attendant was slightly concerned...

My goal is to be able to read a Marquez novel in Spanish 

I also thought about T SWIFT

ok so Speak Now, the scenario is so not classy. If someone stole my man on my wedding day I'd claw her eyes out. I don't care if I float like a pageant queen. Let me float if I wanna. 

I just think Miss T wants to get married

Her 22 song says we're lonely. Hey I'm 22, single, and I'm pretty much the happiest I've ever been. You're only lonely if you don't try to get to know people. 

Her best songs are not boy related. Safe & sound, Innocent, Best Day-stellar!

I think I'd be her friend if I could. She seems fun. And is honest.

I also came up with this: treasure a lady like a Venetian glass elephant. Fragile and if you drop it the tail will crack. At least that's what happened when my grandfather dropped the one I gave him...

I also concluded, I don't care if I scare you

And this:be the ugly truth you

And the man beside me was listening to a Tim Keller sermon! Baller. So we had a cool convo : ) woah God is everywhere

And at one point when it got bumpy, I thought, if I died in the moment, would I have done everything I want to do for the world? Every moment in life is gift. 

Hey Stevie!!

Majesty

Gods majesty is just so evident in the beauty of this island. 

I will miss the mountains.

Comfort is Reminder

What are we coming to? or maybe the question is, where are we and how much are we ignoring?

Listening to Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars
isn't that what every mother wants for her child? to keep that child safe and sound?
a mother who loves will go to any length to keep her child from harm
where is healing found when people we love suffer?
how do you go about caring for someone who suffers
do you sit silently with hands folded
what words help?
comfort.
in suffering God becomes needed, and some people start to see Him more

Isaiah 40

Comfort for God’s People

40 Comfort, comfort my people,
    says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins.

³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
    the way for the Lord^[a];
make straight in the desert
    a highway for our God.^[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
    every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
    the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
    and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
    And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,
    and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
    Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    but the word of our God endures forever.”

⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
    go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,^[c]
    lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
    say to the towns of Judah,
    “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,
    and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
    and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.

¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
    or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
    or weighed the mountains on the scales
    and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who can fathom the Spirit^[d] of the Lord,
    or instruct the Lord as his counselor?
¹⁴ Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
    and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
    or showed him the path of understanding?

¹⁵ Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
    they are regarded as dust on the scales;
    he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,
    nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.
¹⁷ Before him all the nations are as nothing;
    they are regarded by him as worthless
    and less than nothing.

¹⁸ With whom, then, will you compare God?
    To what image will you liken him?
¹⁹ As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,
    and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
    and fashions silver chains for it.
²⁰ A person too poor to present such an offering
    selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
    to set up an idol that will not topple.

²¹ Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
    Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
    and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
    and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
    and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
    no sooner are they sown,
    no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
    and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
    Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing.

²⁷ Why do you complain, Jacob?
    Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

these words offer so much more than I could
watching eagles soar, they are majestic

So much pain wrapped around the Trayvon Martin case. Historical, cultural, familial-how do we as a nation heal? don't forget don't forget don't forget but remembering loss, does it help?
The jury deliberated for 16 1/2 hours...how difficult to be part of that jury
I don't know very much about this case, aside from the premise, but the pain is evident.

at church, a middle school girl told me that she lives close to a place called the jungle...her mother, is a single mother, and will not allow her to go to the jungle. but this girl hears shootings.  Who are the forgotten children in America?  Who are the children who act out, fuss up, make fits because that's how they've learned how to behave from mistreatment? It's so easy to love the children who show affection...what about the children who are disruptive, difficult, annoying? It's easy to let them stay lost.  

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? Matthew 18:12

I so easily forget to love and care for the difficult or forgotten or people out of sight...and what convicts is to think, what if God had let me stay forgotten?  I wouldn't have known the difference. But I'm sure thankful he came to look for me.

Why is it so hard to do what is hard, to sacrifice, to give, to choose to offer for those who cannot offer back? Why should we love others, the ones who are hard to love? Because he loved us first...this is not easy but takes fighting one's natural inclinations.

Gladitude or Baditude?

Life's as simple as that. We get to choose.

Scuba Diving for Diamonds, Why Theatre

There's this thing I love about theatre...no matter how many times I rationalize that I'm actually a better writer than I am performer so what's the point of walking down the road of theatre argument in my head, every time I experience theatre, I'm drawn in. It's that moment of eye to eye being in a world made of multiple imaginations that I get giddy about. Being able to exist in the imagination and not in the present. I like the fantastical more than the realistic. Or at least I like to see the fantastical emerge from the realistic. (So maybe I should just try to be a fantasy writer...eh eh like George MacDonald?)

These second graders have rekindled a kind of crackle thirst for teaching/being part of theatre. My favorite part of leading gymnastics camp (and I think this might be their favorite part) is when we go on an imaginary adventure before stretching. I didn't even intend to incorporate theatre into stretching, but I just wanted to get them jogging and it seemed to be more exciting if we could imagine passing trees (and then I just kept going...) Today, this kid asked me, "Are we gonna jog again?" They are so excited about it! And I love that! They had so so so many ideas about where we should go! Almost all of them wanted to offer a suggestion, and I didn't have to pull it out of them, nor did I try. They just wanted to! Today one girl wanted to go to California, another wanted to go to the Panama Canal, another wanted to scuba dive to a cave, another wanted to find a diamond, another wanted a forest (they always want the forest), a boy wanted to be chased by lions, and another boy wanted to go to the jungle. I only had enough mental energy to take us from California to the Panama Canal to a cave to find a diamond. The boys were upset that we didn't go to the jungle to be chased by lions so I told them we'll do that tomorrow.  But what I am amazed by, what is an incredible GIFT from God to me, is to see how these kids live in the drama. Oh they are there swimming through the ocean in scuba suits down into a cave searching for diamonds swimming back up away from an octopus then a pack of sharks then onto the boat then holding their diamond in the sun to watch it shimmer! They follow my movements and even go about it their own way, spinning, turning, moving out of place (which makes things chaotic but really whatever).   The best moment today was when we got onto the dock in San Francisco (which apparently has no beach but I didn't know...this is what happens when I try to imagine somewhere I've never been!) and I told them to hear the sounds of the other boats. All the kids started making the sounds of boats! I can't even describe it because if you asked me to make the sound of boats, I'm not sure what I'd do. Maybe the sound of a bell. But the kids just made noise and it kinda sounded like a dock! It was so cool. I felt like we were all there together ready to step out onto a huge sailboat and sail to the Panama Canal.  And then I told them to imagine the sound of sailors and they started making pirate sounds.  It was just this moment of being in one physical space but all together being in a totally different mental world. I'm struggling to describe how magical this felt. The closest experience I've had to this is when I read a book and am aware that I am in one physical space, sitting in a chair, hearing the background noise, but my mind is off somewhere else---journeying with Frodo to Rivendell. It is in this space of creation that I feel most alive...isn't that odd to be most invigorated in the imaginary? But yet that space holds incredible potential to do, be, say anything!  And I love when people take me to an imaginary place--in a play, in a story, in a movie even.  And really, what I was craving when I went off to school in Chicago, was to find other people who also love the imaginary. The possible.

I don't know what the point of sharing this is, but if you also love the imaginary, I'm thankful that other people like this exist!  Probably one of the hardest things for me is to relate to people who cannot delve into the imaginary. Who are "too cool" for it.  Well people like that are awesome too, but I have to say, seeing how these second graders invite the imagination has made me think that maybe just maybe everyone loves the imagination. So that's why I love theatre and theatre people. Because they bring out my imagination. Invite it. Nourish it. Demand it. Push me into it! So I'm thankful. Thankful to Henry Godinez : ) Thankful to Spectrum. Thankful to Performance Studies. Thankful to the Northwestern Theatre and Interpretation Department. Thankful to Chicago. Steppenwolf.  White Elephant. Shannon Oliver O'Neil. The Women's Center. Michael Rohd. StuCO. Betsy Quinn. AATE. Suzan Zeder. The Edge of Peace. I am thankful for you Northwestern, that you support our imaginations, as one of the most innovative, energized, open, welcoming, encouraging, nurturing theatre environments I know of. Thank you for allowing me to participate, to learn, to try, to fail, to grow, to seek, to see, to understand, to realize, to question, to connect in your spaces and in nontraditional spaces.  And I'm thankful to God for bringing me to Kodiak, AK to teach gymnastics to a group of second graders and to discover HOW MUCH I have to be thankful for about the past four years.

Cool project

http://www.lookingforlilith.org/index.php/outreach/faith-stories-project.html

Borsch Soup

So this blog somehow has 627 page views. Now I honestly have no clue who might be reading this blog and why my thoughts are worth reading, but if you do read this blog, please comment! I'd love to hear some responses to the ideas I present.

I climbed a mountain today and the sun was still shining when I reached the top at 9:30pm.  Kodiak, Alaska. What a place. It's hard to not acknowledge that some being must have formed these mountains with beautiful hands. I think I am an oddball, or I just haven't heard other people admit similar tendencies, but I love walking alone. On the way down from the mountain, at one point I was surrounded by high grass and flowers and thought if only to stay in this moment for a few days, just walking with the grass, noticing things, and not having to talk but just take in. On the hike up, someone asked me to talk about growing up in my hometown. And really that's the last thing I wanted to do while hiking up a mountain. For starters, I don't like to talk when I'm out of breath. And then, where do I start when talking about growing up in my hometown? I mean, what does one want to know about how someone grows up? There is so much I could say, I'm not sure where I would start...I could list my favorite things, or I could also follow my usual train of thought...disparity, embedded segregation, sheltered community.  I think re-framing the way I think about growing up could actually be really positive for me.  And I'll be spending a year there, so plenty of time (in fact the most amount of time in four years) to recognize what is worth telling about growing up in my hometown.  But what would I say if I were to describe my favorite things about the place? Hmm something I like is if I want to talk about God, I will generally get a positive response in which people see things the same way I do. Even just being home briefly, someone said to me, "I see how God has really worked in your life through your time in college." That was so special to hear that.  There are a lot of aspects of living in a secular, liberal environment that I appreciate, but there's something really nice about being with people who understand what I believe and the way I view the world. I never appreciated this about my home community (in fact I even criticized it before). Attempt at saying something profound, but actually stealing this from a convo with a friend: It's hardest to love the place you know the best (same goes for people right?).

Ya know, it's always interesting to talk with people about my home community. It's just a very different world where things run differently because they do. (That may be the vaguest statement I've ever made).  But when people not from my community react in shock about some of the aspects, it's hard to present the place positively. For example, the fact that many families employ maids, many of whom are African-American--exemplifying characteristics of The Help. Yes it's an example that stands to portray so many deeply embedded issues, ingrained in the culture from way before my time. But things ARE changing. I think. I hope...And women's roles? Where do I even start with that conversation?   Some friends from home and I recently talked about how women these days are working...we have to work...families need two incomes to make it at the standard of living nowadays (this reminds me of a conversation with a friend at NU...he said, it's not possible for everyone in the world to live at the American standard of living, so should anyone be able to live at this standard?  tough...) These friends from home told me that they get surprised responses whenever they tell people they are going to medical school. "Oh how can you be a mother while being a doctor?" people say. A very very tough question, intertwined with changing gender roles and norms...who says men cannot be nurses (they can!)? What are the "rules" and expectations on who should bring in more income? The husband or wife? If the wife does, does that emasculate the husband?  This brings me to ponder the meaning of masculinity--what are the origins of American masculinity, are they healthy, are they false, are they grounded in Biblical truth, and why is masculinity and money so connected!? 

In Genesis 3:17 God anoints Adam as the provider in a way. The verse says, “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life."  Man is cursed with painful toil, woman is cursed with painful labor (unfortunately). Now women are also working. My friend joked, "Now we have to deal with both curses. Men just have to work."  I'd like to take a look at the gender to work roles established in the garden of Eden before the fall. It seemed that there was just fruit...but Adam also worked (did Eve? I'm not sure). But I definitely heard a sermon once about how human beings are meant to work, we find fulfillment through contributing, since Adam was the caretaker of the garden of Eden...

My favorite part of this day (and it was a very good day) was the "class" I am partaking in with the other counselors. This professor of English who loves etymology is leading our class.  And I am so into his facilitation techniques! He divided us into small groups (good move) to generate ideas about topics we would like to cover this week (woah, way to activate our minds and get us engaged by incorporating our interests in the class formation). He invited us to discuss really controversial things...so as a group we expressed interest in discovering/exploring what the Bible says about homosexuality and how should the church handle this issue? Also, what are women's roles in the church/can women teach? (he also told us a fancy word for a / but I've forgotten it). Also, how do we navigate living and growing in faith in a secular work environment (think this might be the most helpful for me)? And Also, in general we wanted to learn about the origins of the church especially in relation to the views about women and homosexuality. Okay so I literally cannot wait for class tomorrow. I'm so excited to have these discussions. This is almost as amazing as the time that I had a discussion with Luke Miedma and Nathan Hedman about gender roles in the church.  This impromptu discussion of gender roles and the parallels between male-female give-take relationship, discussion of sex as a reflection of the relationship between Father-Son-Spirit God was so thought-provoking. Odd. But resonant. Well tomorrow has some cool things in store that I will probably write about.

On the one hand, I loved having spiritual discussions. On the other hand, hanging out with kids wore me out. They are adorable. Yes. But man, they need so much attention to just follow directions. Led them in gymnastics today, taught them back-bends, hand-stands, forward rolls...nervous that someone would break something the whole time. They get so excited to do a trick, or when they are good at something! It's weird to interact with so many different kids, with such different personalities, and think who was I like as a child? Was I that un-self-aware of how obnoxious I was? Did I get my feelings hurt that easily (yes)? Did I attach to older people as if I was a starfish?  They're cute and lovely, but I can only take about this much of them at a time...Man, parents are in for a ride of learning to be selfless and patient! wooooo.

In the middle of the day, I felt tired and a bit like, how do I do this for more weeks if I'm tired after the first day?...But surprisingly, I feel joy from a sense of camaraderie with the other counselors.  We suffered through the craziness together, and by the end of the day, after a long exhausting hike before sunset (at midnight), it brought me great happiness to eat a bowl of honey nut cheerios while Clay Burrows downed waffles smothered with peanut butter and dowsed in syrup.  Poor guy. But secretly, I like seeing people at their rawest. And usually this happens when people are tired and hungry. The real rises to the surface. See I know my real, and it's a bit of a relief to see that other people have a "real" that I don't know. Clay Burrows, I'm so glad you're my friend. You are one of the most sensitive, caring men I know (even though you do get competitive). It was so kind of you to ask if the joking had gone too far while we all cleaned up after supper. Ya know, I was just engaging in the jokes about my hometown, living it up and letting it pass over me. But it meant a lot that you took the time to ask if y'all had crossed a line. I admire that quality, and it merits you one tally point.  In conclusion, I'm sure tomorrow will be very tiring. There will be more moments of keeping kids in line, telling them "No front flips!" and help them get their heads off the ground for back-bends. But I also know there will be some breakthroughs. There will be some smiles. There will be more hugs. There may even be cool conversations with the kids. One of the sweetest moments of my time at Kodiak has been when my 6 year old friend told me why God is good and told me the story of Samson.  I know I will have strength because I have friends who are in this with me. Friends giving their energy towards showing the love of Christ to kids and one another...even if that is to do a million forward rolls. And gosh I'm sure learning a lot!

Oh and I can't forget, Drew I told you I would blog about your cooking...okay let's see. Split pea soup with carrots and potatoes delectable! I had two bowls...I think that says it all right there. At dinner the meatballs were definitely tasty (which for me is a big thing to say because I don't like meat). So kudos! Keep on cookin, and I'll give a special shout out to the food.

This reminds me of another wonderful moment today that I'd like to remember. During our break, some of the counselors and I went to this coffeeshop run by Russian Orthodox followers...I had this amazing beet and cabbage soup. Beets are like the best thing I never knew about. So tasty. soft, and good! Borsch soup it was called. My counselor friend from Germany said that she has had Borsch soup a lot.  That was a first having Borsch soup, and I have to say it's a winner.  I also got a free wood painting of Mary...Is that cool or what?

Little gifts, little moments, joy is found in writing about them. Thank you for reading. I hope you have a blessed day.

~Catherine

Whale Belly

When we least expect it, God gives us something to smile about. I think he's got quite the sense of humor really.

Here's my past two days in a string of words: hiking moss baby deer lost searching talking marriage cliffs ocean fish fire walking marsh man cave hillside sea anemone rocks vulnerable wildflowers climbing astronaut tidepools illegal piggy back ouch seashells reconciliation prayer knee-deep wet socks dome tent turkey granola peanut butter smores fire fresh caught trout daylight at midnight sleeping bag cold wake up daniel statue beauty fog banks stevie done.

After all that, the best moment transpired. Sitting by the fire and someone saw a whale breach the water! We all kept looking and a spout of water would rise every few moments. There were two boats out by the whales and we kept saying, "Man how awesome to be on that boat!"

After this, Michaelina and I spent about an hour playing keep away. She took my hat and kept it from me.  She was running away from me and ran through the water then looked up at me and said, "You..." And I said, "Now Michaelina, I did not make you go through that water." Ha amazing how a 6 year olds mind thinks.

Eventually, Steven Foreman came to pick us up in the skiffer to take us back to KBM from Long Island, which is an uninhabited island (I've never camped on an uninhabited island but it felt like LOST. Plus there are no bears on the island).  I would have waited with Stevie and Clay to go with the 2nd group but Steven said it was better for me to go with the first group to even out the numbers. So I jumped onto the spiffer trying not to get my boots wet and geared up for the boat ride back. Well, God was certainly looking out for me because as we were leaving Long Island we saw a whale jump! And Steven, being the 30 year old 10 year old that he is, starts boating towards the whale. As Hannah said, this was slightly dangerous but moreso fun. Well, we got pretty close to the whales and watched them jump out of the water over and over again. Beautiful  hump backed whales! One swam about 20 feet from our skiffer and spouted so that we all jumped. I wish I could describe how cool this was. I don't think I could do it justice. Long-arched indigo bellies reaching for breath, sand streams on skin dive eyes to blue hued ocean.   Poetry. Wahhhh. not really. I'll work harder and try to create something more majestic about the blue whales. It would be wonderful to be a hump backed whale though. Ahh to just glide through the ocean. We even saw a mother and baby whale.

These whales to me are a symbol for moments when we are not looking or seeking gifts, God will give them. I think he does that to see the delight that comes with surprise. To have a moment of realization of "Woah, you really do care for me."

I also am blessed to get to spend so much time with Stevie. We acknowledge that God made us an awesome friend combo. I love getting to share these experiences with a friend like her!

I also read two of my favorite Bible passages today. Isaiah 53 and 54. My Bible smells like ocean now because it got wet on the ride back from Long Island. There is so much to these passages to stop and ponder. "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering." 53:2-3. That description "a man of sorrows" really resonates with me. What does this mean in terms of how Christ felt? I wonder about this, thinking what kind of pain did he experience when everyone betrayed him?  The physical pain is obvious. But what about mental, spiritual, and emotional anguish? When I think about the Gospel narrative and try to understand why Christ's sacrifice could have SO much impact, I think about the symbolic power in his death. Assuming that the Gospel is true (hypothetically), why was his death so powerful when right beside him other men died in the same way? What is it in the narrative that makes his death a climax? In other words, a point of shift. One reason that his death is so poignant is that God the Father removed any connection from Christ while he was on the cross. Christ lived the ultimate rejection. Being rejected by his disciples, the people of the era, well that's nothing in comparison to utter rejection from God. Thinking of God in a way that would makes sense to a secular audience, I would describe God as love. If you remove every ounce of love, what do you have? Hell. Hate. Suffering. Pain. Hopelessness. Despair. Truly if there is not love (or relationships, community) what is the point of being alive? At the end of the day, what does success, achievement, invention, award, beauty, what does anything matter unless it makes other people's lives better? (or perhaps one might say it matters because it gives one a sense of purpose...but that feeling must be short-lived if it impacts no one). So, maybe you're following me or maybe not. Imagine Christ, dying in the most painful, gruesome, degrading way possible, betrayed by nearly everyone that he loved, that he cared for, that he helped. And on top of that, rejected by his Father, his God, stripped of any love...I can't even the emotion and the hurt he could have felt...and to me that is eons worse than physical pain. That recognition of being utterly alone. Utterly without anyone to care. And yet, Christ chose this. Knowing he would be rejected and despised. Isaiah prophesied that this would happen centuries before he was born! How you can miss that? There are so many parallels in this passage. "Yet it was the Lord's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied..." 53:10-11. He will be satisfied. Hmmm. What kind of satisfaction must a person experience after dying, sacrificing his life, and seeing that he has saved the human race from inescapable separation from God. Man I bet that satisfaction is much better than anything I'll ever experience. It's a satisfaction that follows true love-"Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13  I've mentioning what Stevie's friendship means to me. And this gives me a small glimpse of the goodness that comes from caring for a friend.  Christ called us his friends (John 15). Hmmm. What a strange God.

Isaiah 54 is probably my favorite passage in the Bible. It speaks so deeply to God's undeterring forgiveness...his grace for even the blackest hearts. His ability to make light out of darkness.
"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband--the Lord almighty is his name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit--a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger, I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the Lord your Redeemer. 54:4-8   I love this metaphor of the broken, rejected woman being taken back into the arms of a husband. This passage portrays God caring for a woman who has been hurt and abandoned. I love this because it makes me so encouraged thinking of how deeply God cares for all the women in the world...women abused, abandoned, hurt, without opportunity...women have been so historically oppressed because of Eve's curse. But that's not what God intended. Perhaps the world rejects women, but God loves them deeply. They are his daughters. And he planned for wholeness for every person, whatever gender. I think of the daughters who are caught in circumstances where they are not loved. Think and pray.

"Why nots and why. Hit me with a goodbye. I'll wait along the road to say hello again."

http://www.punjammies.com/
http://daughtersofhopeindia.com/
http://daughtersofcambodia.org/
http://www.ijm.org/
http://www.allgirlsallowed.org/about/chai-ling

Camping

Marshmellows browing over a popping fire 

Mornin

Wake up to crazy hair and a text from my dad. Ha! You are reading : )

And now someone's playing trumpet.

Pepperjack

Tried something new today. Pepper jack grilled cheese. I have never eaten a grilled cheese before. Typically I'll try the crusts, but the cheese is too much dairy for my tastes. But today for lunch they made grilled cheese & tomato soup. I ate a half pepper jack grilled cheese with a little tomato soup and it was delicious! Something about it being cold outside and rainy makes any warm food taste good.

Hot chocolate and coffee, and a long conversation with Stevie. It's amazing to me that she and I were barely friends a year ago. That without knowing it, we both prayed so much for God to bring Christian female friends into our lives. We needed it. At least I did. I always thought she was too fun to enjoy hanging around me, and I think she thought the opposite that I was too serious to connect with her. Little did I realize how much her friendship could teach me, inspire me, heal me in ways I did not anticipate needing healing. Little did I imagine the battles a year could bring, battles that I would need a friend to fight with. And I'm thankful for this year that brought this friend into my life, a forever friend who sees the value in me that I struggle to see. A friend who sticks with me when Im not even the me that I love.  It's a friendship formed by God and unbreakable because he has put it together.

Such a meaningful friendship that I even spent two hours talking with Clay and asked, "Tell me what you love about Stevie."

About to watch The Hobbit by a warm toasty fire.

Pepper jack grilled cheese is a metaphor for giving the unexpected a chance. What if Id never given Stevie Bailey a chance? I wouldn't be the Catherine I am now. This Catherine is growing into the woman I hope to be. Not because of my strength but of continual daily gifts from God. His love. In the form of hot chocolate and coffee, unshowered hair, sweatpants, flannel, the hobbit, talks about faith, knowing someone else from afar and close, eyes open to the way people are wonderfully different from me. How much we have to learn from anyone and everyone around us.

In the last lecture at NU, Professor Renee said, "You don't get bonus points for struggling alone." So why do it? It feels safer. It's terrifying to be vulnerable about struggles in the present. Debilitating paralysis overcomes the lips although the thoughts are spinning. What value in a friend who can see and say, "What's wrong? I can tell you're hiding something." Luke Miedma once said that our closeness with others will flow from our closeness with God.  Hard lesson to learn how to expose our hurts to God. In opening to Him, we find the strength to open to others who are the words and hands of God. We LONG for God to be with us! We do. We long to hear him, see him, touch him, be held by him, be assured by physical presence that He is real and that He loves us.  The thing is, He does hold us. He does talk to us. Through others who love him. We are literally the hands and feet of Christ.

I'm hoping to shift my blog to be only partially about my thoughts and experiences, to use them as a medium for what might be encouraging to others. Although this could potentially be didactic or prescriptive Ill try to be honest, examining what is difficult to address, acknowledge, and understand. I feel that if I've learned anything from my work in facilitation, especially from Michael Rohd, it is that a conversation is never done. There is Always another angle to consider. And only by reaching into the unknown do we develop a deep understanding and personal conviction about a belief. So my advice, and as a disclaimer any advice I give is even more deeply advice that I need but struggle to follow, my advice is to let people in. Give them a chance. I think you'll be deeply surprised by how good it is to give the new a chance. Possibly as good as a pepper jack grilled cheese.

Testimonies

wish I could reveal to you the beauty of two testimonies revealed tonight. Honest struggle failure falling finding something unexpected. Love. Remember my question about beauty? This is beauty. The heart revealed.

PS Stevie Bailey says this blog is perfect for reading while pooping! Boo yah. I feel accomplished. Shout out to Claire Kennedy who knows someone who only writes a blog while pooping. Poop talk.

<3 Stevie

Alaskan beauty

The Alaskan beach is one of the most beautiful sights in the world. Green hills rolling along the sides, thick aquamarine streaming in like beads. God must be evermore beautiful than we can imagine.

The wind just unexpectedly shut the door of my cabin. Eerie. Can hear the stream running by, faint call of waves, and ribbon of whistling from birds ever so often.

Beauty, what is it? In our eyes & Gods. The passage that says "Man looks to the outward appearance but God looks to the heart comes to mind."  A pastor once told a story about a woman who was the most beautiful, mesmerizing, lovely creature in heaven who all could not stop looking at. God explained that no one noticed her on earth, and she gave all her time to giving to others. Through that God formed the most beautiful spirit within her. Hidden beauty. How do we reshape our eyes to see and grow to love and learn from hidden beauty? It amazes me how our society seeks beauty, it attracts draws us gives people an unfair advantage. Yet what good does it do? We're all just looking for radical, unquestioning, all accepting love. The kind written about in the Gospel. But it's hard to identify that craving and seek love from God. For some reason, acceptance and love from this world just seems much more important. Learning the truth of Psalm 139 everyday more and more.

Gil-net fishing

It's 7:35 am (here) and today we head off to staff retreat. No showering and no toilets for a week. In theory I am excited for this. If I can go swimming everyday, I'll go a few days without showering. There's a sort of thrill in this to just not care about being dirty. I discovered this on PWILD. If everyone else is dirty too, well then there's no reason to look good!  I'm attempting to wear no make-up for the duration that I am here. We'll see how that goes!

This week I'll be without my laptop so my blog posts may not be extensive. Thanks to the IPHONE though I can blog from the road! O the wonders of technology. We can communicate anytime, anywhere. Good thinking dad. "Everyone's gonna want a cellphone"...Betsy "No one will want these things"...Oh Aunt Betsy I probably would have said the same thing. But now it's so ingrained in my life I can't imagine being without it! I'm sure I'd be fine, but I do enjoy Snapchat.

Before we head off, I've got to tell about gil-net fishing. I'm cosily sitting on my top bunk and the room is dark. So I'm nice and warm and can talk about fishing with a smile instead of shivering. Before I begin, I want to say I dedicate this experience to my dad. You'd be proud! Sorta. When and why did you catch fish in Alaska? One of the odd stories I'll have to ask about.

Layers--jeans & rainpants, shirt, fleece, sweatshirt, and coat...rainboots. I felt prepared to be warm no matter how cold it was. False! We drove to the dock and I was chilly the moment I stepped out of the KBM van. Walking along the wooden peer, all the fishing boats with their storied names like "Marian Kay" watch and wonder. We stepped onto a bigger boat and put on life jackets. That made me a bit warmer. Kyle Sebastian, the city boy, pointed out the newness of this world for him. We all stepped into a smaller silver boat and set off along the coastline. When I tasted the saltiness of a wave, I realized that this was the ocean! There are sharks, whales, sea creatures in that thing.  fdklfjdlakfj makes me shiver. We did see a ginormous seal. Man that thing was so hefty that if he moved, I bet he just rolled off into the water. Splat. He didn't move the whole time we were out in the water! When we came back he was still splayed on his stomach, but a skinnier seal friend had joined him. This one gave us a bit of a show and jumped into the water. He/she seal was pretty massive as well so that I can say I never want to swim with one of those things. The movie Andre, what was that about? So anyway, we rode in the boat across the ocean for awhile, and I faced the back because the rain hitting my face was cold. Stevie and Shelby kept pointing out seals and everytime I would turn around the seals would pop their heads back in the water. It was a game of sorts.  I watched the island hills blanketed in fog. The wind turbines peeked through the fog in an eerie way...sci-fi-esque as if they were the blades of a battleship. The sage water mirrored the forest green hills--emerald jewels reflecting the color of another. So beautiful I wish I could put a house on the shore and just watch the waves and trees in the wind.  Kyle Sebastian said, "See I'm looking into the future, and you're looking into the past," philosophizing, and making a metaphor of the fact I faced the back. I realized that he's right. I do wonder about the past, contemplate the choices I made to understand who I am in the now. I don't see this as a negative thing. If I only thought about the future, then I'd have no basis for understanding what I want/don't want. I know by experience what I don't want.

What I do want is to be brave. To jump into experiences that make me hesitate. I love the feeling that comes with spontaneity. I feel most rejuvenated when I live life unplanned...100% my favorite way to live! Of course I see the value of plan and have implemented that into my life, especially at NU. But I've found that when my life lacks spontaneity, I, as an artist, writer, creator, friend lack a joy that is central to who God made me to be. It is such fun to have an unexpected connections and conversations--these moments often inspire and energize me, and I love that. The good thing is, I know that God knows who I am, so I can trust that he will provide these routes of spontaneity. My acting teachers always say, "The casting directors want you to do good. They want you to be awesome so you can play their part." Well I believe God feels the same way. He wants me to be the best me so he is going to help me be that me. Whatever that means. But I can trust that I don't have to put all my energy into making life the most exciting it can be because I know that God will provide exactly what I need, I just have to remember to see my circumstances that way.

Woahhh I really digressed from my story about gil-net fishing! And I haven't even gotten to the most exciting part. The fishing. Well we cast the net about fifty feet from shore. Steven, one of the camp directors, said that if we jumped in the water we'd have about a 50% chance of making it to shore. Hypothermia would get us. (Titanic mind jump here). Since I was already feeling cold, I didn't want to test his theory!  Anyway, we had to wait awhile and re-adjust the net and continually move the boat back from the shore. The funny part was, Steven would tell us to move to the back of the boat to make room for this guy to adjust the net. So all us girls would struggle to get around one another and get to the back of the boat. Then he'd tell us to move to the side. The front. Kept us on our toes I'll say. Finally, a salmon swam into our net! I was talking to Steven about something and all of a sudden he exclaimed, "We got one!" It was so exciting that I didn't even mind that he stopped listening (hehe). He explained that the seals know what we are doing and if we are not quick enough they will pick the salmon from the net. LAME. get your own salmon seal. Then another fish got caught in the net and another! It was hard to tell because of the waves, but to see a silvery lump slip into the net!

After awhile we had to reel the net in slowly. Stevie, Shelby, and I picked kelp and seaweed out of the net while Clay curled it into a donut shape. The kelp looked like knots of hair, but the seaweed was a pretty translucent green. I almost took a bite. At one point, Clay started putting up the net pretty fast and we tried to keep grabbing the kelp and it was a mess because the boat was rocking and I don't have very good balance (which I learned in gymnastics...horrible at the balance beam!), so needless to say I started dreaming about hot cider and a warm blanket. But it was fun to work with my hands, to be so gritty and outdoorsy for once. I don't think I could do that often and I admire fisherman who live that life. Not for me. (One job I can check off the list). Through this process we brought in three shiny, blue, slippery salmon (and one flounder that we threw back into the ocean!). Oo they were so pretty. With our fish caught and our net retrieved, we rode the boat back to the dock. Shelby, Stevie, and I held onto this rail as if we were about to fall, and Shelby goes "gun it"...then the boat moved forward really slowly. Very anti-climatic. Riding back across the ocean, took a pit stop by the fat seal and his skinny friend. Back to the shore. Onto the big boat. Across the dock. Into the KBM van to go clean the fish!

Here's where I'm kinda lame. I just stood and watched because I hate blood. Steven cut into the salmon and oh my goodness I couldn't move. Stevie, Clay, Shelby, and Kyle ate the fish eggs. There is no way on earth I would do that. Hope they don't get sick! Stevie and Shelby took the salmon splays and washed them off. I really didn't want to touch them. The thought of putting my fingers into the gil just made me shiver. I could never be a doctor! But it was cool to see the process of catching fish and preparing them for cooking! Felt very self-sufficient. I think I'm more suited for writing poetry than catching fish...On the ride back to KBM I thought about how people work, people have jobs to provide ease and convenience for other people. If people didn't want convenience, what jobs would there be? A society where everyone plays a part and share's everything would provide convenience but also make sure everyone is provided for. But the way our world is set up now, people's livelihood depends on the demand for convenience. I want to eat salmon while living in Evanston, IL, so some fisherman in Alaska does all the work for me. I have no connection to him/her yet our lives our connected in some strange way. What if he lost his job? Would I care? Our world is connected and disconnected simultaneously. Everyone, every thing, every moment is a thousand stories of joy or pain or both. So much unknown.

Once back at the mission, I immediately took off the layers to get the wet off me.  Then we cooked the salmon. Stevie and Drew, the cook, collaborated. It was tasty. MMMM. Butter and lemon pepper, skilleted then baked. Real good.  I've been strangely continuously neverendingly hungry on this trip (possibly because of that first day hiking), so I ate a LOT  when we got back from fishing. Honey net cheerios. Salmon. Halibut enchiladas. Wheat bread. So much that I'm not very hungry for breakfast now. That's now the past pattern to adopt. On the topic of food, I'm slightly nervous for this staff retreat because Clay said we'll be eating hot dogs and chili with fritos....uhhhhh my digestive system is going to struggle...I need vegetables. I'll bring some nuts and an orange along, and make do.  Clay taught me about this plant that's sour when you bite into it. Like sour straws. I'll distract myself with that.  Oh and the rain. It'll be rainy for the duration of our time on staff retreat. I do like rain. I love the smell and the look and the feel. So that will be beautiful.

It's a good morning, and I'm excited to brush my teeth, get some Honey-net cheerios, and head off on staff retreat. Hope you have a good day too : )