So I like to play this game, and it's super fun (for me!). It's called, the "Why Do People do What They Do?" Game. So anytime someone talks to me about a problem, I analyze both parties in the situation.
Like this:
Why do you think he/she is acting that way?
What does he/she need?
Let's think about where he/she is coming from?
Do you think it has anything to do with how they feel about...
How does that person's actions make you feel?
What is that feeling about..ahhh so it's really about...
I don't know why this is so much fun for me.
But it's actually really effective because if people are mean, I don't get upset, I just start to figure out the problem like a puzzle. Why would he/she act this way? Where is he/she coming from? What have I done to cause those feelings? What else is going on in his/her life?
It's like analyzing characters but in life.
My experience in acting class taught me to see how when people say something, they are communicating so many unarticulated messages! That's the truth of human communication: we say one thing, but actually are TRYING to communicate something else, but are too afraid to say it. Or we aren't aware of what we really want to say.
Great drama uses roundabout dialogue to communicate the truth.
Hmm what's an example?
Ooo Ginger & Rosa has a fascinating example of this!
Ginger's mom makes a delightful dinner for her husband Roland.
Roland has been emotionally distant and also physically absent.
Roland disapproves of the food.
A fight ensues.
Ginger's mom cries because Roland does not appreciate her food.
"Why don't you like my food?" she says.
What she really means is this, "Why don't you love me?"
And Roland, Oh Roland, knows. Oh he knows. Jasmine said, boys always know how to behave correctly, but they always make excuses to do what they want. hahaha.
unfortunately tis true too often.
Roland says, "This is emotional manipulation."
But what does he mean? It's very hard to sympathize with this character who is so oblivious to the pain he causes his wife and daughter. He only changes his heart at the end of the movie.
But so why does he say something as harsh and cruel as "This is emotional manipulation." in response to his weeping wife?
Wow what a dousy.
How is he so heartless? He must validly believe that his actions are justified. People usually believe their actions are justified when they do the action...afterwards, they can see their mistakes.
Hmm well Roland harps on the fact that he was arrested during the war for standing up for his beliefs. (this backstory is not fully developed, so I'm uncertain about the details).
Perhaps, he hardened his heart in order to survive. A survivor technique. To shut down. Totally a survivor technique. It works. For Awhile.
Or perhaps, he legitimately believes she is manipulating him and there is a history of manipulation that makes him unhappy. But ahhh...see here's the real issue: Ginger's mom values marriage. Ginger's mom wants a husband who loves her. Ginger's mom wants to be cared for, given attention, and with a happy home. BUT Roland does not value the sanctity of marriage. He does not (at his core) believe that marriage should be treated as unbreakable. Instead he looks at marriage as a sort of temporary relationship that one may break and bend at one's convenience.
So there is a distinct unequal yoke there. Ginger's mom wants a husband who gives his all to make marriage work. But what Ginger's mom has is a man who believes he is justified in leaving marriage on a whim instead of fighting to work things out. Roland is selfish. Although he cannot understand this because he believes so fundamentally in "nonconformity" as truth. If it's breaking the rules, then it's correct. Wow. Fascinating. Roland has a history of brokenness that is not unveiled in the story, but there are many factors influencing his behavior. For one, his mother left him as a child. Hm that certainly communicates to a child that one's parent has no obligation to stick around. It's amazing seeing how parents' behavior communicates such subtle but impacting messages that can affect children for a lifetime. So this example illustrates the way words often communicate much more than is said. This example also unveils how to play, "Why Do People do What They Do?"
1st New Thought Thread
Adults in general must be so careful about the way they treat children because without perspective anything can be tremendously hurtful.
Two stories from my childhood:
One day, I came to preschool with two lovely half-ponytails. I thought they were so pretty. Then while I was climbing the monkey bars, my half-ponytails fell out!
I approached my teacher and asked if she or any of the other teachers could fix my hair back the way my mom had fixed it. This teacher perhaps was confused, so instead of giving me half-ponytails, she put my hair in two pippy longstocking pigtails. Not only did she fail to make my hair pretty, but also she exclaimed, "look she looks like a puppy dog!" and she and all the teachers laughed at me.
In first grade, we would individually spell our spelling words on the whiteboard for our class. My word was the word Lion. So I walked up to the board and carefully wrote the letters: L O I N. All of a sudden, my teacher could not stop laughing. She was cracking up that I had spelled the world loin instead of lion. I didn't understand, and I so embarrassed.
I still remember the unpleasant feelings of these experiences. And these memories teach me that I should never laugh at kids when they don't understand something. It's not their fault. They are children.
2nd New Thought Thread
Today, I taught the most wonderful 1st grade students. I love first graders. They love me! The first graders all said that one of their favorite parts of the day was meeting me. I miss my first grade campers in Kodiak. They were such beautiful people. I miss seeing their sweet faces and playing games after camp and hearing them chant my name to participate in counselor challenge. hmmm. I just want to be a perpetual camp counselor.
I also really enjoyed working with the 4th-6th graders. They were so fun! One little girl came into class and skipped around the room dancing. So I joined in and the other students joined in.
I love how youth love to play! I love how they love to be creative. I love how nothing is off-limits, and everything is fun and adventurous. There are no inhibitions, no walls, just freedom to create, to imagine, to be. I believe this inner child lives in all of us and yearns to be set free.
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